Saturday, May 13, 2006

I had a dream...

Warning: Foul Language. You have been warned. If you do not like foul language including the words shit, fuck, and ass, then please do not read any further. You have been warned.

I was napping on my way to work today when I had a strange dream. I can sleep traveling two and from work because I carpool with my wife and she is kind enough to drive everyday.

I think that my dream was influenced by the music that my wife was listening to. Britney Spears “Lucky” is the last song that I remember before zoning out.

In my dream I had written a book or something and had become very rich. Of course, being relatively young and rich, I got invited to A-list parties in Hollywood.

Don’t laugh! This was a DREAM, remember?

So anyways, in this dream I was standing around at this party talking to celebrities like Vin Deisel (is “Vin” his first name?), Wesley Snipes, and yes, Britney Spears. There were also directors, musicians and stuff.

But instead of the normal inane conversations that you’d expect at a party, we were going at it pretty viciously.

Basically, I was chewing these celebs out for being money grubbing sellouts. I asked Vin Deisel why he made such a complete ass fest as the “Pacifier”? Did he even read the script? Or did he lose a bet or something?

Why hasn’t Snipes been in anything since the Blade trilogy started ten years ago?

I didn’t even speak to Spears, she was kinda in the background chain-smoking at a table while she piled mounds of food onto the plates that her husband carried for her as he listened to a constant stream of invective spewing forth in a puff of smoke from her white trash mouth.

I did see Paris Hilton. The sight was stomach churning enough that I almost walked over and sullied my hands by punching her in her nasty snatch face. I doubt that it’d hurt her though. It’d be like punching an almost life-sized Barbie doll. The head is hollow plastic and would just pop back into place. I doubt that she’d even notice.

Instead, I turned and conveniently found the producers of almost every bad TV show and movie for the last few years and tore into them instead. I informed them that the reason that they are losing so much money is because they have been forcing shitty products down our throats for so long that inevitably there is going to be a backlash. As soon as people have the ability to create their own shows and movies they won’t put up with the studio’s mindless tripe anymore.

They tried giving me excuses and justifying why they put out crap. They claimed that the vast majority of people are stupid and will watch almost anything, as evidenced by the popularity of shows like the Simple Life, Jerry Springer, Desperate Housewives, soap operas, and movies like Shaggy Dog, the Pacifier, Brokeback Mountain, Wolf Creek, Traffic, and the list goes on and on…

Unfortunately, we arrived at work and my wife woke me up right before I lost it and physically attacked the blubbering fools.

Why is it that we have so much crap on TV? Why do they spend MILLIONS of dollars making shit like the fucking Pacifier? And why do rich stars like Vin Deisel, who already have enough money that they never need to work again, sign up for mindless campy crap like that? What the hell are these people thinking?

How does it work? Vin Deisel gets the script for a movie about a Navy Seal who has to babysit a bunch of kids. Not only that, but he’s assigned to be the kids bodyguard, nanny, mother. Father, rolemodel, blah, blah, blah… And they have a pet goose.

What’d he do? Read the script and say, “Hole Shit! This is the best script ever. I have to do this one! Call my agent!” (because he’s too rich to actually pick up a phone and call someone his self)? I doubt it.

Or did he get a good script, agree to do it and signed a contract obligating him to do it, and then they changed the script on him? The basic concept of a hard core Navy Seal babysitting a bunch of brats could have been funny. Instead it was just sad.

What about the Shaggy Dog? Is Tim Allen under a contract with Disney that he HAS to make whatever movie that they want no matter how shitty it is? Galaxy Quest was great! The Santa Clause was good (it’s sequel much less so). So why take a talented and funny guy like Tim Allen and throw him into a movie like the Shaggy Dog and that Christmas one from last year? I bet he'd rather take electrical shock treatment to the testicals than to sign his name to something that bad. At least I would.

I mean, I can understand a no talent hack like Lindsey Lohan starring in a shit-fest like Herbie Reloaded or whatever, but not Vin Deisel, Tim Allen, and Morgan Freeman. These are real actors with talent and worth. What are they doing in shitty movies?

And why are people with no talent being put in movies that require acting ability and charisma? Ben Afleck is not a fucking star, he is a supporting character at most! Paris Hilton’s only redeeming quality is that she’s rich! That’s it! Nothing else about her is worth mentioning!

There is supposed to be a video game coming out soon called the Movies. This game allows you to start up a movie studio in the 1930’s and run it up to today. You can write scripts, cast actors, direct, and then watch the (short) film that you have made. Of course, this game keeps getting pushed further and further back. It’s graphics are less than the standard and overall, the gameplay doesn’t look very good.

But what a great idea! How long before Microsoft and other companies put out movie making software so that you can create movies in your own home and play them on your DVD player? They’d have to start with animated features, and eventually move up to “live” action films.

Then maybe talented but poor people who love movies will get recognized and be allowed to make feature films. How cool would that be?

O.k., I'm done now. Yes, I feel better. Thank you.


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