Grandmothers and the changes that time makes

My Mother-in-law Debbie has always been a sad sorry figure to me. When I met her, she was a chain smoking alchoholic with severe mental and maturity problems. She had to be the center of attention and she accomplished this by acting like a fool. I could only handle short periods of time around her before I'd get fed up and start saying mean things.

I spoke with her in the hospital when our first child was born. I told her that there would be no smoking around our daughter and she agreed. However, whenever we came over, she would smoke. We asked her to go outside and she refused. She bought an air cleaner machine, but that was completely inadequet for the job and she eventually gave up on it. She tried going to a back room, but she hated having the door closed, so that didn't work either.

As the years have gone by, things have changed.

I felt that she had a choice. She could smoke alone or not smoke (while we were there) and have company. I was willing to work with her, but I will not compromise when my child is involved. Especially when Kathryn started having bad reactions too being around smoke and nicotine. Needless to say, our visits got shorter and shorter and the time between visits grew as longer and longer.

I always looked to my own mother with all her faults as a much better example of what a grandmother should be. She is nice, she lives a healthy lifestyle, and best of all, she respects the parents wishes in regards to their children.

I guess that the biggest difference between the two was selfishness. Debbie was extremely selfish, always putting her wants, needs, and addictions first. My mother was the opposite and went out of her way to help everyone as much as possible, even after breaking her foot and the having surgery on each of her feet.


As the years have gone by, things have changed. This really hit home for me in the last few days.


My mother and her fiance have bought a Bed and Breakfast Inn up in Canada and now spend most of the year up there. We only get to see them from November to March now. It is now Febuary and we have seen them six times, including the holidays and Drake's birthday party.

I asked them to watch our kids while I took my wife on a date for Valentines. They agreed, but would only watch the kids for three hours because "they had things that they had planned". I asked if we could visit a bit afterwards and she said maybe for a little bit.

The date with my wife was supposed to start at ten in the morning with an eighteen hole miniture golf course with black lights and florescent paints everywhere (very cool and loads of fun) followed by an early lunch. Unfortunately, while the mall opens at ten, the stores don't open until eleven on Sundays. Neither do the resturants. There went one hour.

We played golf (my first time in twenty years or so) and it rocked. I definately would NOT play real golf, but this was cool. Unfortunately, it also took an hour.

I called my mom and let her know what was going on. I told her that we hadn't eaten yet and asked if she could watch the kids just a little longer. At first she said no. I pointed out that we still had an hour and that we would probably be there twenty minutes late at most. She reluctantly agreed as long as we picked the kids up by twelve thirty.

We ate lunch and arrived at their place just as they did (they had walked to a nearby hardware store). We visited a little, until I found out that the reason she didn't wanna watch the kids longer was because there was a made for TV movie playing that she wanted to watch. That pissed me off.

Quality family time is Love.

I mean, think about it. She is gone for most of nine months out of the year. When she is here, she only sees us a couple of times. When she has the time and opportunity to spend some time with us, she chooses to watch a movie. Friggen record it! That's what VCRs are for!

I know that we didn't give her a lot of time to prepare for us. We called her a day ahead and asked her to help us. I am gratefull that she watched the kids. But she's leaving again in less than a month. Mom, you need to get your priorities straight. Family comes first.

In contrast, my Mother-in-law Debbie has become a completely different person. She has received mental health counseling and has kept up with her medication. She has cut down on her drinking. Instead of slugging Jack Daniels she sips at wine. She has learned that she doesn't need to be the center of attention. She listens now, and responds intelligently. Conversations with her are now interesting and sometimes even enlightening.

And after four years of trying, Debbie has finally given up smoking so that she can be around her grandchildren. This is one of the most selfless and redeeming acts that I've personally seen anyone do. It was a hard war for Debbie. She'd win a battle here or there, quitting for days or weeks or even a month, but in the end her cigarettes always beat her. This time she has been clean for over three months now. She is a completely different person.

Even people in my family and friends of ours who see her on the occasional birthday party noticed how much younger and healthier she is looking.

My family visits the In-laws house every couple of weeks now. It's a pleasure being there.

The biggest contrast between my mom and Debbie isn't lifestyle and health anymore. Now it's selfishness. Only this time, Debbie is the selfless one.

I can call up the In-laws anytime that they are home, with or without advance notice, and ask them to watch the kids and they will. And unlike my mom, they will do so gladly, without acting like they are doing me a huge favor. When we come to pick up the kids, it's expected that we will spend the rest of evening with them as their guest.

This really hit home for me.

This is quality family time. This is what they want in payment for watching the kids. That's love.

I love family time. I love hanging out with my In-laws. We have spent more time with the In-laws this new year than with anyone else. Including our friends.

Thank you Debbie. You have made sacrifices and changes for your family and it has not gone unnoticed. We appreciate, love, and admire you for them. Keep up the good work. You make us proud.